When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
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What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)