how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
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There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.