My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
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Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Straight people are cancelled
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
the red hot silly peppers
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with