[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
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[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots: