If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
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Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
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texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Spam popsicles.
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standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months