10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
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A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
#gardening
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.