I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
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Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream