[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
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Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?