Everyone is awful in their own special way.
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People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
In Canada they just call them geese
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.