A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
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Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
How do you like your Corgi?
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them