WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance