“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
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According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.