What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
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Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
is this store having a stroke wtf
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room