I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
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Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I’ve had relationships like this
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins