tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?