Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
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[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
and now we wait
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Happy Febuary everyone!
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
dream blunt rotation
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*