Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
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Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.