sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
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Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Woke up against my better judgment again
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*