Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.