if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
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HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.