This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
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ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)