A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
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[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.