Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
You Might Also Like
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times