a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
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airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
channeling her this year
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.