Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
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The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Note to self: I am a note
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.