I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
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The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Lmao
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
my mom making me talk to relatives
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.