Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
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I enjoy a good short stor
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.