Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Don’t tell me what to do
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.