A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
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What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno