THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
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Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
TWEET CALL
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Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.