*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
😩😩😩
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”