Our lord and savoury.
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Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
tourist season
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.