The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
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[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no