him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
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Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*