As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
The Sun’s probably Asian.
The devil.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
never forget
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party