my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
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When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
why I oughta
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.