Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
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My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I like crazy people until they notice me
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly