Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
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“I’m helping” 😅
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box