My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
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kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.