ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.