1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
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My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.