“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
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8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.