Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
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You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes