I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
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Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Perfection.
Cndnsd Mlk
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?