Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
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I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
this came to me in a vision
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds