on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
You Might Also Like
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.