Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
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If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.