A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
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Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
where’s Godzilla when we need him
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic