got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
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prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
ok this is my dumbest yet
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
my dad has had enough
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all