i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
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This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.